Chubby Girl

They say we are all products of our childhood. I’m not really sure who ‘they’ refers to, but if there is truth to this, my childhood has a very direct correlation to the woman I am today.

I was a very chubby young girl. It wasn’t so much that I was labeled, but more the fact that I labeled myself. I lacked confidence because of it, I was shy, easily intimidated and naive. Ironically, my weight was something we RARELY talked about. I was ashamed by it and could tell my parents tried to do things to get me to be more active, but I fought it because I was embarrassed by it.  I was always too afraid to talk about it or admit it.  So I just pretended it didn't exist. 

Here's me playing basketball in sixth grade.  Notice how much bigger I am the other girls.

I always had a clean plate after a meal.

Some boys teased me and would often remind me when I looked like I had gained weight. Those boys were 'friends' of my brother. Even though he has no recollection of these events, I will never forget how he used to stick up for me when the words pierced my heart. It’s probably one of the very reasons we always have had such a close bond and relationship. He always stuck up for me. I hated being the chubby girl. I HATED IT and he knew it.

In high school, I finally decided to do something about it. At that time, 'doing something about it' didn’t necessarily mean doing something healthy about it. I deeply restricted my calories, lost the weight and then let it become my obsession to lose even more. What I didn’t realize was that I just transferred my emotional over-eating to emotional under-eating. I wasn’t any happier because I was skinny. I was hungry but no food could ever satiate that desire. I was starving to find me, my purpose in my life.

Weight is something I have struggled with my whole life. It has consumed my mind, caused me frustration and regret. Food was my enemy and my best friend. I hated what it did to me, but I wanted it so badly. 

I know now that it wasn't food that was making me hungry!  I wasn't happy with the way I looked, so instead of doing things to make me healthy, I told myself how horrible I looked and picked at every flaw I had.  I failed to see the beauty in myself so I fed it with food instead of feeding it with love and nourishment for my soul.

Today, food is no longer my friend or enemy. Food is my fuel!  I made a choice to be in control of my body.  I started to run and I couldn’t run without that fuel. Running was so hard initially, but I loved how it made me feel when I finished.  That made me want to run even more.  I loved feeling healthy and I started to love what it was doing to my body.  So I ran a 5K, then an 8-mile race, than a half marathon. Now here I am today, getting ready to run my fourth marathon, and I can proudly say, I love the woman I’ve become.

I am so glad that I was the chubby girl. I needed her to help guide me to serve my higher purpose today. I have such a deep passion for helping people who struggle with weight, because I know what they are feeling and what they are yearning to be.

We can learn from our past, but we do not have to be a product of it.  When we learn, we make a choice for a better life.  We cannot change our mistakes, but we can use them as a tool for our future.  If you're struggling with something and want to make a change, make the choice to make today the first day of the rest of your healthy life.

This post is inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

In what way were you labeled as a child and how did it affect you?